Super Thread for Humour :P

[shree]

Twenty Responses To Use With Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .. "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky
voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .. louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

[shree]

Hilarious Sports Commentators Screw-Ups

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would probably want to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: ‘This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.’

2. Dressage commentator: ‘This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.’

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: ‘I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.’

4. Boxing Analyst: ‘Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.’

5. Softball announcer: ‘If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.’

6. Basketball analyst: ‘He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.’

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: ‘Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.’

8. Soccer commentator: ‘Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.’

9. Tennis commentator: ‘One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said?’

[Odyssey]

LOL ROFL LMAO OMG This is hilarious !!

[shree]

Difference between Her & His thoughts ...

HER :

Friday night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I ad lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV, he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed.

About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.
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HIS DIARY ---------

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Today India again lost the cricket match. DAMN IT.

[shree]

Laloo 's COMPUTER

[Bauer]

haha good stuff... love the telemarketing replies!

[shree]

What Women Wants off a Husband

[shree]

[shree]

Lols..

[Bauer]

i hate that remote control... its so evil

[Odyssey]

Some more please !!
I love this stuff...man its really humorous !!
Regards,

[shree]

[shree]

A Guy's Worst Night-mare













Lolax

[shree]

Suggestions for next time you're out of the office and need to set up an Auto-Reply e-mail:

*********************
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

*********************
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

*********************
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.

*********************
Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

*********************
Thank you for your email.

Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

*********************
Thank you for your message, which has been added to an email queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks and 3 days.

*********************
I am on holiday.

Your e-mail has been deleted.

*********************
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

*********************
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Please don't bother to leave me any messages.

*********************
I've run away to join a different circus.

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AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST....

*********************
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

[shree]

Principal to student...' I saw u yesterday rotating near girlshostel pulling cigerette... ? '

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Class teacher once said :

' pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!'

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once hindi teacher said....'i'm going out of the world to america..'

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'..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK..'

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dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallendown.....

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it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried toswitch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

' why is fan not oning' (ing form of on)

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teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

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'shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college'

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My manager started like this

'Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids'

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'I'll illustrate what i have in my mind' said the professor anderased the board

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'will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF'

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LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ,' IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE'

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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

'My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter'

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Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

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'why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!'

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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

'I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

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Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

'Keep quiet, the principal has passed away'