A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Give me a............. vodka martini."
The bartender asks, "What's with the huge pause?"
The bear shrugs and replies, "I've had them all my life."
(If you didn't get it, just think carefully about it for a minute.)
Another one:
f(x) = a + 2b walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "Sorry, but we don't cater to functions here."
Last one:
A man is sitting in a bar on the 25th floor of a high rise skyscraper. The guy next to him is slamming shot after shot of tequila. Suddenly, that other man gets up, goes over to the window and jumps out. The man sitting next to him is stunned and barely even moves. But the other guy then walks back in to the bar a few minutes later, and sits down next to the same man, and asks the bartender for another shot of tequila. He repeats the jumping-out-of-the-window process, comes back after a few minutes and asks for another one. The first man, simply amazed and befuddled, asks him his secret. The other guy replies, "I don't know. I just slam one shot of tequila, jump out of the window and I magically slow down before hitting the ground and land softly. Watch me." Saying so, he downs another pint of tequila and goes and jumps out of the window. The first man watches in amazement as the second man, truly, slows down before hitting the ground.
So, the first man decides to try it himself. One shot of tequila and he jumps out the window as well. He starts falling, faster and faster. There's no sign that he's stopping. He keeps falling, falling and falling and..... SPLAT!!
When the second guy gets back in the bar and asks for another shot of tequila, the bartender replies, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman!"
A man is sitting in a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"
The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too."
"Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe, the bartender, walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey, Joe. What's new?" Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."